Remember Tracy Gillett from last week’s post? She has a lot of interesting stuff on her blog, but she also hosts an annual online summit. The 2023 summit on “The art and science of natural parenting”, had a long lineup of speakers. It ran for five days at the end of September 1. I only had time to listen to some of the presentations, but those were interesting. Here are some key insights.
Dr. Dan Siegel
Dr. Daniel Siegel is a Clinical Professor of Psychiatry at UCLA. He is the bestselling author of books such as “The Power of Showing Up”, “Parenting from the Inside Out”, and “The Whole-brain Child”2. His website is drdansiegel.com.
In his presentation, he stressed the importance of the child being attached to his/her parents. And one of the predictors of how the child gets attached to his/her parents is how the parents make sense of their own childhoods. The parents can’t change the experiences they had when they were children and what they learned when they were small. But it is their responsibility (not anyone else’s) how they react to their own children, and to model apologizing when necessary. So what can parents do? While they can’t change the experience itself, parents can change what sense they make of their childhood experiences, and what stories they tell themselves. They can do whatever ‘re-parenting’ work is necessary. And that changes how they react.1
You can read an interview with Dr. Siegel here.
Lael Stone
Lael Stone is a parenting educator, author, speaker, and founder/director of the Woodline Primary School6. Her website is laelstone.com.au.
She stressed that mainstream culture is not how parenting is meant to be. 1
Similar to Dr. Siegel, in her presentation, she explained that we learned a lot through what we watched as a child. Just as our children are now watching us and learning. The thing is: if we don’t consciously ask why we do certain things or make certain things mean something (even if it doesn’t really mean that), we often repeat what we watched as a child. Even if it is not what’s good for our own children. Even if the message doesn’t serve us well. Or if what we’re doing just comes from a place of scared. Dealing (compassionately) with that baggage – and healing from any trauma (e.g. surrounding birth) is important. Basically, parents need to try to understand their story and their beliefs so that they can change them. This can have a big influence on their children’s behavior.1
With children’s behavior, we should also ask why are doing what they are doing instead of just immediately jumping in from a place of judgment .1
You can read an interview with her here.
Dr. Gabor Maté
Dr. Gabor Maté is a “physician, mental health expert and bestselling author”3. His website is drgabormate.com. “[H]e has been awarded the Order of Canada, his country’s highest civilian distinction” for his work 4.
In his presentation, similar to Dr. Siegel, he stressed the importance of attachment, calling it children’s “deepest need”. In ancient societies, young children were with their parents all day. There was no separate ‘child sleeping cave’ or place for time-outs, for instance. And he argued that children still need and expect to be parented that way. As do parents. For instance, he recounted how mothers who had done cry-it-out sleep training often told him that their heart was breaking and that it went against their instinct, even if the children eventually gave up.1
He also explained that children, when placed in a time-out, understand that they aren’t loved when what they are feeling or doing at the moment isn’t what the parent wants (even if that is not the message that the parent intended). To keep the connection to their parents, the children will try to change who they are. However, Dr. Maté found that a lack of safety, attachment, and being allowed to be themselves (as well as too much stress) can lead to physical and mental illness.1
(Want more details? The blog on Dr. Maté’s website has an article on sleep training and another one on time-outs.)
Dr. Maté argued that what is considered “normal” in the mainstream North American parenting culture is often not normal at all, but unnatural and unhealthy.1
Teva Johnstone
Teva Johnstone is a therapist, parenting educator, and homeschooling mom5. Her website is tevajohnstone.com.
Similar to Dr. Siegel and Dr. Maté she stressed the importance of attachment, arguing that children are born expecting to be kept close to their parents. While that is not normal in mainstream North American culture, it is in many other places around the world.1
Most of her presentation focused on homeschooling. She explained that there is a wide range of what homeschooling can look like. It can be a good option for many children because it’s individualized. According to her, regular school often isn’t good for children. For instance, the pace of learning might not fit with what they’re at. School requires them to be sedentary for too many hours a day. It’s often not good for their mental health, either, e.g. due to widespread bullying. She says even for working parents, there are options to start homeschooling. 1
Ginny Yurich
Ginny Yurich is the founder of the 1000 Hours Outside project. The website is 1000hoursoutside.com.
In her presentation, she explained the physical, emotional, and cognitive benefits of children (and their parents) spending lots of time outside in nature.1 You can read details about some of these benefits in this article about her work.
She also mentioned that ‘humans are meant to walk and carry’. Having a baby in a carrier is beneficial for both parent and child. 1
References
1 Raised Good (2023). the raised good online summit. https://raisedgood.com/online-summit-2023-evergreen
2 Siegel, D. (n.d.). Dr. Dan Siegel https://drdansiegel.com (last checked Oct 2, 2023)
3 Bramley, E.V. (2023). The trauma docotr: Gabor Maté on happiness, hope and how to heal our deepest wounds. https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2023/apr/12/the-trauma-doctor-gabor-mate-on-happiness-hope-and-how-to-heal-our-deepest-wounds (last checked Oct 2, 2023)
4 Maté, G. (n.d.) About. https://drgabormate.com/about/ (last checked Oct 2, 2023)
5 Johnstone, T. (2023). About. https://www.tevajohnstone.com/about (last checked Oct 2, 2023)
6 Stone, L. (2023). Lael Stone. https://laelstone.com.au (last checked Oct 2, 2023).
7 Yurich, G. (n.d.). 1000 hours outside - our story. https://www.1000hoursoutside.com/about-us (last checked Oct 3, 2023).